


you taught me the courage of stars before you left

by wearethefoxes



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: F/F, Future Fic, Letters, POV Lydia, Why do I do this to myself, canon compliant through 3b, i mean kind of it's a letter, idk s4 kind of happened but i kind of made up a lot of stuff too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-26
Updated: 2015-01-26
Packaged: 2018-03-09 03:35:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3234779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wearethefoxes/pseuds/wearethefoxes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear Allison,</p><p>It's been almost five years since you died.</p><p>I'm getting married in a month.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you taught me the courage of stars before you left

**Author's Note:**

> title from saturn by sleeping at last, which is a wonderful song, 10/10 would recommend.
> 
> i don't even know what this is it just kind of sprang from me in like two hours of writing and feelings and crying
> 
> unbeta'd, don't judge it's my first posted fic.

Dear Allison,

It’s been almost five years since you died. I’m getting married in a month.

Scott and Kira are doing fine, if you were wondering. Scott’s an idiot, so sometimes he has periods where he pushes her away. I know that he misses you always, but sometimes he gets in a place where he thinks that means he can’t love Kira and miss you just the same. Kira is always patient, and always waits for him. I would have left him by now, but she never does.

After you died, Isaac finally made up with Derek. It was your dad he moved in with, but I guess he realized he needed a bigger support network than his girlfriend’s dad and ex-boyfriend. Derek was more than happy to let Isaac in. I like to think that if you’d stuck around it would have happened anyway, but Isaac might have been too stubborn to do it himself and I doubt you would have pushed him in that direction, which I understand. Derek’s so much better now than he was; the first time we saw him laugh, I don’t know that anyone knew what to do. It was Stiles who started laughing with him, and if you can guess their relationship went on from there. They’re adopting a little girl six months from now. They’re still negotiating on names, but as I last heard they were going with Claudia Laura. I think Stiles wanted to go with Talia Erica, or Talia Allison, but Derek felt like the first one was selfish and and I think the second one was too much for everyone.

Another thing that happened with Isaac that even I wasn’t expecting is that Isaac is dating Danny now. Surprisingly, Danny is the one who is having the commitment issues. I would know that the whole “werewolves are real and no one bothered to tell me” can be pretty damaging to a relationship. Some people never get over it.

I don’t know if you remember Malia, but she didn’t stick around. After what happened with the Nogitsune, she told Stiles that “it had been fun, but was nothing more than an experiment.” Stiles took it pretty well; apparently, having sex in the basement of a mental institution while being possessed by a demon is not an ideal place to start a relationship. Now, Malia comes by when she feels like it, and we always welcome her, but I think she enjoys the freedom of knowing that she can come and go as she pleases with no real ties to anyone except her father - the one who isn’t Peter, I mean. She enjoys spending time with her cousins, though.

You never met him, but Scott’s first beta, Liam, is hanging around still. Him and Isaac dated for a while, and he gets that kicked puppy look sometimes when he sees Isaac and Danny together, but he’s been dating his best friend Mason for a while and they’re quite happy together. Best friends are good to each other that way.

And there’s the other thing, the real reason I’m writing you: I was in love with you, when you died.

I didn’t ever tell you. You were in love with Scott first, and it was pretty clear that you were it for each other. Life had other ideas, I guess, but then it always does. I couldn’t help it, though; you were the girl who never questioned that I was smart even though I acted stupid, just _why?_ and _for whom?_. Not a lot of people did that. And you stuck with me through Jackson, and thinking I was crazy, and then finding out that I wasn’t actually crazy, just heard voices. Who else would have done that? 

I thought maybe, after Scott, but you moved along to Isaac pretty quickly, and I wasn’t going to interrupt that. Maybe if I had told you before Isaac, you would have said yes, but maybe it would have ruined everything. I didn’t want to risk that when your friendship was good enough for me. Your friendship helped teach me to save myself, after.

I guess I could have been one of those lucky souls that finds their true love in their best friends and gets to keep it, but I feel pretty lucky anyway, just having the privilege of knowing you. We could have been really something together, but we were something as it was, too. Maybe I should feel like the greatest tragedy is that we never had that chance, but I can’t bring myself to feel that way. It isn’t that you died before I was brave enough to tell you, it’s that you died at all.

Still, when Cora came back to Beacon Hills, I was terrified. Stiles was the one to get us to be friends; he hadn’t started dating Derek yet, but they were on their way there by that point, and Stiles and Cora had always had something anyway. It was a few years after high school that she came back, a summer between one of my semesters at MIT. We became friends pretty quickly that summer, mostly through Stiles but on our own, too. I left for that next semester with her number and this heaviness in my heart that I couldn’t get rid of. She was with the others all the time, and it was Stiles who eventually said to me, “Lydia, if you don’t tell her, I will. We don’t need any more of history repeating itself around here.” It took me months after that to confess my feelings for her, almost an entire year in fact, but we were both ready for it when it happened.

I don’t know if we’re perfect, Cora and I, but we work in a way that feels easy as breathing. So much of her reminds me of you, and sometimes that takes the breath and the bravery right out of me. I don’t like to use our relationship to speculate about how you and I might have been, but it still haunts me sometimes, that possibility, and I guess to some degree that’s why I’m writing.

Because you see, I don’t know if I’ll ever stop loving you. You died in the middle of a sentence that I was halfway to telling you, and I’m finishing it now in this letter so that I don’t end up finishing it to Cora instead. She deserves better than that from me, and I deserve better _for_ me.

And I did love you, in that all consuming yet unbearably fond way. It’s just that I’m not bitter you didn’t feel the same, or even that I didn’t tell you, just that you died, and that I still cling to the thought of it in my head.

I’m sealing it away now. Not you, never you. But the potential is gone and I keep feeling it anyway. There’s nothing left for me in the _what if’s_ I still find at the bottom of a bottle or a long night. I loved you, and I always will, and I like to think that you would be giving me your blessing right now, would walk ahead of me down the aisle. I like to think that in a month, when I stand with Cora in front of a priest, I won’t imagine it’s the girl with bow. I hope I won’t think of her any place except behind me, standing in matching dresses with Kira and Malia, the bridesmaids. There will be no maid of honor, because that could only be you.

It’s always you.

I miss you. I hope you’re smiling at me up in heaven, and I hope that someone up there falls for it the same way I did.

 

Yours always,

Lydia


End file.
